Off-topic; Fed up with Spam.

I don't know what got me on a list somewhere, but I have been receiving one or two "Dear friend" letters every day for the last few weeks. Sure, they go automatically to Spam, but I found out that letters from real friends have been also sent to Spam, so I still have to check it every day, anyhow.

And I'm getting a bit fed up. May as well have a bit of fun with them before I delete them. So, here's the latest, with my comments in red:

Dear Friend. (Hello? Do I know you?)

Good day and God bless you. I feel quite safe and satisfy (sic) dealing with you in this charity project.Though, this medium (Internet) has been greatly abused, I choose to reach you through it because it still remains the fastest, surest and most secured (Really!) medium of communication. However, this correspondence is purely private, and it should be treated as such.

Sorry about that. You should know by now that there is no real privacy in a public medium.

As you read this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday. My name is MRS.LILIAN JONES, a merchant in Dubai, in the U.A.E. (Not Nigeria? What originality!) I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer . It has defiled (As in, polluted, adulterated?) all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts.

I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone(not even myself)but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. (I'll remember that.)

I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends.

I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give aims (sic) to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E, Algeria and Malaysia. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore. I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them.

(Would you have been? Aren't they following your example? Assuming that you have been telling the truth so far. Which, I imagine, is an unwarranted assumption; I have no evidence that you have.)

The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of TWELVE MILLION DOLLARS $12,000,000,that I have with a finance/Security Company abroad. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations.

(Ooooohhhh!!! What trust you have in me! You must know me well, from somewhere. I find it odd that you haven't given any hint as to when we've met, or how you know about me.)

I have set aside 25% for you and for your time if you want to help me to collect this Funds and also invest this money.

(That would be $3,000,000. For a few hours work. I could write one or two cheques, maybe to something like Doctors Without Borders and/or the Canadian Red Cross, and have done with it. A million bucks an hour? Sounds good. Too good. Maybe there's a catch.)

N.B-PLEASE I WILL ADVICE (sic)YOU TO CONTACT THE LAWYER IN NETHERLANDS IMMEDIATELY, HE DOES EVERYTHING ON MY BEHALF AND HE'S VERY UNDERSTANDING AND I BELIEVE HE WILL LEAD YOU TO YOUR

SUCCESS IN JESUS NAME AMEN.

Name: BARRISTER.JOE BENSON

(Hmmmm... Googling this name and title brings up, at the very top of the list, the identical letter, down to the signature of "Mrs. Lilian Jones". So much for "Dear friend," and "purely private" correspondence. I wonder if maybe -- just maybe -- the $12,000,000 bucks is also a fiction. I find no other mention of a lawyer named Joe Benson in the Netherlands.)

Email: joebenson1111@aol.com

(On aol? Not his own firm's domain? That's so reassuring.)

Remain blessed in the name of the Lord.

(Thank you for your good wishes, Lill. I may call you that, right? Seeing as how we're good friends and all.)

Yours in Christ, (No comment.)

Mrs.Lilian Jones

Well, I am really sorry, "Mrs. Lilian Jones"; I will have to disappoint you. As you said earlier, "there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world." I agree. There's sleeping at night. There's a good day's work for a good day's pay. I'm sure you understand.

(There! Will that somehow make me persona non grata to these spammers? I wish.)

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